


i wish i was brave enough (to love you)

by waltzofstars



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: F/F, Light Angst, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 06:40:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20110798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waltzofstars/pseuds/waltzofstars
Summary: corrupted!catra took control of her body.catra wishes she was brave enough to love adora. wishes she was strong enough to fight for her and save the world. but she was too weak, too coward.





	i wish i was brave enough (to love you)

Catra felt everything burn as the lights touched her body.

She felt her face and her arm heat up, then burn, then bruise and then catch fire, as if she was being punished in the fires of hell. It was an inexplicable pain, but it didn't hurt as much as her heart ached at that moment.

Everything was perfect with Adora. She was the force captain and they were finally together in the Horde, side by side. Everything was going well, and Catra was happy for the first time in a long, long time. All the pain that had been in the feline's chest for all her life was gone because they were together.

And all that was taken from her with the same speed as it was given.

Catra knew something was wrong from the start. It was even distressing see all her blind companions living in this false reality, believing that everything was fine. Catra, however, preferred to live in the reality in which she and Adora were happy, without She-Ra, without rebellion, without Entrapta, without the portal, without Glimmer and Bow to steal the blonde from her. Catra and Adora were together at last.

But then, the blonde woke up, realized that something was wrong there, as if a mist had been lifted from her eyes and suddenly she could see everything that was different, everything that would have happened if they had not fled into the woods that day, which seemed almost a century earlier.

Her heart ached for not being able to live that impossible dream anymore, for knowing that this was something that would never happen, because, well... Adora probably hated her now. Really hated her, from the bottom of her heart. For not listening to her, for not leaving with her, for choosing the Horde over her only real friend, for always seeking approval from even the most despicable beings like Hordak or ShadowWeaver.

And when Catra clung to a branch that came out of a patch of land and climbed the crumbling wall to the top, with nothing but light and wreckage beneath it, she wanted to give up. She wanted to give up and throw herself into the light and be erased from existence, like the whole Fright Zone had been. She simply wanted to disappear.

She was so ashamed that she allowed herself to fall in love, allowed herself to be so vulnerable at that point, to base her choices on what her heart told her, not her brain. She was embarrassed that she wasn't brave enough. She was embarrassed for keep going after Adora back and forth, faithfully trying to get her to notice her again, to get back in her arms.

Catra hated herself for it, and hated Adora and hated everyone else too. She just wished she was brave.

But when Catra clung tightly to that branch, her heart pounded… it said something she didn't quite understand, but it had been there, living inside her, for a long time. Catra loved Adora, and was willing to give up everything for her for a certain period of time. But in that second, her heart said to take revenge on Adora again. It told her to go after Adora, this time not to seek her approval or her love, but to take revenge, to prove once and for all that she could be brave, that she could choose for herself if she wanted.

Something inside her rekindled with the hatred brought on by memories, brought back by the feeling of utter abandonment and loneliness and worthlessness she felt as she woke up from the dream. That something inside her wanted to take power, wanted to show her that she was no longer dependent on Adora, it wanted to show everyone that she was enough. Wanted to show Hordak and ShadowWeaver that she was a good force captain, to Lonnie, Rogelio and Kyle that she was a great leader, show Scorpia that... well, everything Scorpia already thought of her. Show the princesses she wasn't just another Horde villain, show everyone that she was enough.

That was what motivated her to reach that piece of land that had not yet been destroyed. That's what motivated her to walk to the blonde girl lying on the floor, crying, that's what motivated her to smile, reach out for her and say:

"Hey, Adora" in a distorted and weird voice she didn't recognize.

Her hand went up without her command, and when she hit Adora, Catra wanted to retreat. But now the feline seemed to be trapped in her own mind, unable to control her own body, as if a different person had taken her place, an almost unknown Catra.

Who was the one who had taken control? The original Catra didn't know. She didn't even know if there was ever an original Catra, that girl that was playful and strong, insistent. She didn't even know if she really existed, or if she was just a set of angry and insecure little passionate Catra's, bound by a leash by the huge and controlled by the strongest Catra.

"Where are your friends?" One day, catra was friends with Adora. Catra was her lover. Could they be again? One day?

Adora had a frightened look on her face. What did she saw on Catra's face?

"This is all your fault," Catra said. It was, wasn't it? It was Adora's fault, wasn't it? It couldn't be totally catra's fault. She was just another small part of that game, just another victim of that earthquake. It wasn't fully Catra's fault. It could not be. Or was it? Catra threw Adora into the bridge, but it wasn't herself controlling her own hands, her own body, her own voice. It was the strongest Catra that had taken control of her body and soul. The blonde's impact made a splash in the water below. The feline pulled the girl out of the water by her hair. "Admit it, Adora, the world would be better if you had never left that portal in the first place." Catra didn't meant to say that. Or she actually did? She saw her own face reflected in the water, and that reflection made she more scared than ever. She looked like a... like a... monster. "You did that to me!" No! Catra had done this to herself. Catra, and the Horde, everything. It wasn't Adora's fault, was it? "You took EVERYTHING from me" No. She didn't- "You broke the world, and it's all your fault."

"NO, IT'S NOT!" it was the first thing catra really heard Adora say all the time they fought. And she wanted to agree. "I didn't make you pull the lever. I didn't make you do anything!" Was it true? She was the bad guy? "I didn't break the world. But I'll fix it. And you, you made your choice." Which catra? Which Catra had made the choice? The strongest one? Or the small and insecure one? Catra didn't know if it mattered anymore. "And now you're going to live with it" Adora punched Catra. Punched for the first time. It was the first time Adora hurted her. Catra knew it was all over there.

The ground crumbled over her body, falling to the light that had burned her in the first place. Catra felt the world dissolve beneath her, and she felt herself dissolve along, disappearing into a thousand pieces.

But she didn't really disappear. She stood frozened, silent, in pain, burning forever, fading, being erased from existence, falling for what seemed like an eternity.

When she came back to reality with the same intensity, lying on the floor of the Hordak's lab, within yards of the lever that had caused it all, her face still burning where Adora's hand had touched her. And she stood up, stared at the shining ball that the portal was, wondering why it shone more and more. And it burst into light and from there went out Adora, She-Ra, the girl she loved for most of her life. Perhaps one of the Catra's still loved her, one that was not brave enough to admit.

Catra pulled Hordak. They had to leave or something serious would happen to them, with all those princesses out there. Catra still felt the need to prove herself to him, even so confused that she didn't even know who she really was. And she lied to him.

However, the look on Adora's face as she turned to the feline, with all that hate and anger and disapproval directly looking at her for the first time in their entire history, it made her feel completely terrified.

And she ran. Afraid. Ashamed. Catra did not deserve a redemption. She knew she had lost all of her chances with adora. And for some reason, perhaps because of all the love she once had for the blonde, perhaps because she still had the slightest sense of reality, it shattered her heart. It has broken the poor, mistreated heart of Catra, that heart that had not been brave enough to love Adore and follow her and save the world with her.

Catra in that moment wished more than ever she had the courage to do that.

**Author's Note:**

> yo  
its ya girl  
uhhhh  
julia
> 
> this is my first work in this site so yeah dont judge me  
and english is not my first language, im sorry if any typo escaped the review.
> 
> hope yall enjoyed it


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